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Edition #102, May 15, 2009

No New Messages

Photographer: Brian Plant

No New Messages

My body’s run out of fuel, but my mind is still running. I can’t stop thinking, reflecting, feeling. I want to sleep but there’s so much to process. I can’t. Can’t let this moment pass and slip away to the mass of forgotten memories, thoughts and plans. For so long I’ve built it up. It’s easier that way. Less fulfilling. Easier. Simpler. It’s complicated.

I feel like a zephyr. In the blink of an eye you see it all. I want to slow things down. I want to let these feelings overcome me. I aim to wash myself of the malaise and the sterility of doing nothing. Being nothing.

I know where I can take myself. The thoughts of what great things lie beyond the horizon are everpresent. The journey there is what I’m unsure of. I need not feel this way. I will be nothing if I don’t act out on these thoughts.

I’m overwhelmed.

It is all there in beautiful colors and shapes and light. I see it. I must make it. For others to see. For myself. For all the self-inflicted pain. For all the nights. And days. Years of standing alone. Shut off from you.

I keep waiting for you. Why won’t you find me first? Why don’t I know who you are? The waiting is getting to me. Feel like I’ll never stop waiting. And then I see you, but you’re not there for me.

I’m joyous and pained. It’s not the you for me, but the you for somebody else. There is no us. I feel you coming, but I’m tired of waiting this long. There’s so much to tell, and it seems as if time is running out.

I don’t know if it is you that will get me there, but I want to believe it. I hope that you are here soon. I’m tired of the wait.

I see you everyday. At the grocery store. Waiting on a traffic light. Above me on an airplane. And I hear you everyday on the speakers. You’re so close. I hear your words, your joy. Your happiness and spontaneity. Your above-all-else-I’ll-leave-you-wanting-for-more clarity.

I felt your joy today. Felt your raw emotion. Your fragility, honesty, and indescribable beauty. It may not have been you, but it was a taste of what makes me feel whole again.

My heart is still hollow, still waiting for you to fill it up, but my mind is running again. And I think I can find you someday soon. I hope ‘til then you are well. Waiting to hear your voice for the first time, to know your name, and. . .

Brian Plant

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