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Edition #102, May 15, 2009

No New Messages

Photographer: Brian Plant

                                                                                 Photo by Brian Plant

No New Messages

My bodyís run out of fuel, but my mind is still running. I canít stop thinking, reflecting, feeling. I want to sleep but thereís so much to process. I canít. Canít let this moment pass and slip away to the mass of forgotten memories, thoughts and plans. For so long Iíve built it up. Itís easier that way. Less fulfilling. Easier. Simpler. Itís complicated.

I feel like a zephyr. In the blink of an eye you see it all. I want to slow things down. I want to let these feelings overcome me. I aim to wash myself of the malaise and the sterility of doing nothing. Being nothing.

I know where I can take myself. The thoughts of what great things lie beyond the horizon are everpresent. The journey there is what Iím unsure of. I need not feel this way. I will be nothing if I donít act out on these thoughts.

Iím overwhelmed.

It is all there in beautiful colors and shapes and light. I see it. I must make it. For others to see. For myself. For all the self-inflicted pain. For all the nights. And days. Years of standing alone. Shut off from you.

I keep waiting for you. Why wonít you find me first? Why donít I know who you are? The waiting is getting to me. Feel like Iíll never stop waiting. And then I see you, but youíre not there for me.

Iím joyous and pained. Itís not the you for me, but the you for somebody else. There is no us. I feel you coming, but Iím tired of waiting this long. Thereís so much to tell, and it seems as if time is running out.

I donít know if it is you that will get me there, but I want to believe it. I hope that you are here soon. Iím tired of the wait.

I see you everyday. At the grocery store. Waiting on a traffic light. Above me on an airplane. And I hear you everyday on the speakers. Youíre so close. I hear your words, your joy. Your happiness and spontaneity. Your above-all-else-Iíll-leave-you-wanting-for-more clarity.

I felt your joy today. Felt your raw emotion. Your fragility, honesty, and indescribable beauty. It may not have been you, but it was a taste of what makes me feel whole again.

My heart is still hollow, still waiting for you to fill it up, but my mind is running again. And I think I can find you someday soon. I hope Ďtil then you are well. Waiting to hear your voice for the first time, to know your name, and. . .

Brian Plant

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